The Fear of Falling on My Face

“Have you blogged recently?”

No. I haven’t. But I should… but I don’t have time.

That’s what I said earlier tonight in answer to a good question from a good friend.

I have spent the past couple of days in a frenzy of stress and anxiety. To hearken back to a metaphor all too familiar last year:

There is too much on my plate.

And I am terrified of failing (defined by me as doing less than my very best).

but GOD

has kind words. Today (and yesterday and the day before that and also the one before that) He has had words for me (and now you, too!) from Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel:

“Each of us pays a heavy price for our fear of falling flat on our faces. It assures the progressive narrowing of our personalities and prevents exploration and experimentation. As we get older we do only the things we do well. There is no growth in Christ Jesus without some difficulty and fumbling. If we are going to keep on growing, we must keep on risking failure throughout our lives…

“You know, in spite of the fact that Christianity speaks of the cross, redemption, and sin, we’re unwilling to admit failure in our own lives. Why? Partly because it’s human nature’s defense mechanism against its own inadequacies. But even more so, it’s because of the successful image our culture demands of us.”

I have a fear of not being successful. I have a fear of falling flat on my face. (I think I’ve even used that phrase in the past couple of weeks.) That fear of falling flat on my face is driving me to do things like:

worry so much about getting things done that I hesitate or refuse to spend time with people I love;

work so much I don’t properly care for my body, resulting in incredibly painful tension headaches;

hold so much anxiety about work and school that I am unpleasant and short with others;

and talk more about things on my to-do list than Jesus, who is awesome and deserves infinite praise, honor, and glory.

Brennan concludes the above thought with this statement: “The Christian with depth is the person who has failed and has learned to live with it.”

I have failed this week. I have failed to live in the Light of God's glory and in the freedom purchased for me on the cross. I have failed to resist the lie that this world is what ultimately matters, the lie that my value is determined by how well I perform or even how much effort I put forth. 

The truth is that even if I walked away from all of my responsibilities and started treating people like dirt,

I wouldn’t deserve God

any less

than if I lived up to all of my ridiculously high, perfectionistic standards.

I would still fall far short of His standard.

That is why He came. That is why He died.

Jesus has offered us an invitation to come home with Him, to be forever with God our Creator. THAT is what ultimately matters. And through Jesus (NOT by any effort, work, or brilliant insight of our own) we can have that.

As I reflect on this reality, I realize that falling on our faces is not something we should fear. It is something we ought to practice daily, that is, if we recognize and understand the glory of God. It is when we fall on our faces, humble and repentant, that we can arise clothed in grace, stand in the strength of Jesus, and walk by the Spirit.

My goal for April was to make it through April without falling on my face.

My new goal for April is to fall on my face every day, knowing that only by the grace of God do I have life and breath and strength for today.